What I would tell someone getting sober.

From someone who may not look like an alcoholic.

There are more of you here this week, so I thought I would introduce myself.

Hello, I’m Sarah and I’m an alcoholic.

I’ve had a problem with alcohol throughout most of my adult life. She was always there for me — at awkward family dinners, on bad first dates, after a hard day at work, on lackluster birthdays — I mean she was even at TJ Maxx on those horrible wooden signs!

My relationship with alcohol didn’t change until it was forced to. I didn’t lose my job or drink a 12-pack every night, but I did hurt the people I care about the most — over and over. I would try to patch things up and make promises, but things would inevitably fall apart again. Then on Sunday March 26, 2023, I woke up with a pounding headache, an empty role of tape, and the knowing that I couldn’t hold it together any longer.

What happened next was painful, scary, freeing, and the best decision I’ve ever made. These are a few things I’ve learned about living without alcohol for the last 2 years that I would tell someone who is just getting sober — and to the people who want to support them.

My first year of chips framed at Framebridge, I get them from Token Shop online.

1. Alcoholics care about alcohol a lot, so they think other people do too — but no one cares more than you that you’re not drinking. People don’t really care at all actually — and if they do care, they should examine that on their own time. I was pretty shitty about people not drinking before I got sober because it terrified me that I might have to go there someday.

2. People don’t drink because they love alcohol, they drink because of what it does for them. For me, it was the inability to be with myself and my own thoughts, a deeply held belief that I was “bad,” and a fear of really communicating and showing my authentic self. If people saw me without all the fun alcohol, they wouldn’t like me anymore. It’s just a tool to get some distance from your thoughts because they can feel scary — like drugs or shopping or anything else people can become addicted to.

3. When you first stop, it can be a little intense in your head, especially if you were drinking almost every day like I was. Your thoughts have been numbed for a while, so it may be a little loud in there for a second. I cried SO MUCH the first few months — like so often that it was jarring. Similar to with my miscarriage, I really started to feel like “am I ever going to get through a day without crying in front of Ralph’s?” And the answer to that was probably no — I have cried all over this island, most recently on Madison and 62nd. But this is a good thing. It sucks right now, but it’s going to be fine. Emotions don’t just evaporate when you don’t deal with them. They go somewhere, and when you’re sober for a prolonged period of time, they come out and ask to be felt and dealt with.

4. Speaking of firsts, you’re about to have a lot of them — some of them scary, some of them exciting — all of them brand new. First Saturday without a hangover, first wedding without a vodka soda, first Christmas without wine, first difficult conversation fully present and not inebriated. Having a support system, even if it’s just one person, and even if that person is someone you pay (ie therapist), is crucial. Or a group! More on that later. Oh, and the time you are about to have!!! Get out that list of hobbies you’ve always wanted to try, because you are going to have the time.

   

   Yes, I read now — I have the time! And you will too!

5. If you’re anything like me, you may feel the urge to figure out exactly how you’re going to “do sobriety” right away so you can explain it to anyone who asks. You want to be neat and tidy about the whole thing, because this is ugly and sad and shameful and it would be prettier if we could just have a couple quick bullets ready to go. Well first of all, sobriety is messy business — but so is life, so just take a deep breath. Second, if we scroll back to point 1, people with a healthy relationship to alcohol and their emotions don’t really care that you’re not drinking — they may be curious, but that’s okay! Let them be curious, they will forget in about 5 minutes. I laid in bed quite a few nights trying to decide how I could be both truthful about my experience and also not have people worry or ask tons of follow-up questions. I landed on “I don’t know” and “it feels like the right thing for me right now” as good answers for most FAQs. And then along the way, the answers will present themselves to you.

6. On the topic of things presenting themselves to you — I learned that I like calling myself an alcoholic. To me it feels like I’m reclaiming something that’s used pretty negatively, often to talk about someone who is struggling and perceived as weak. It helps people quickly understand where I’m at (re: not drinking), and makes me feel powerful. Words can do that for you. Try on different words and labels and see what feels good. If nothing feels good then just ditch the label — very quiet luxury of you.

7. Perhaps no big moves or career decisions for a bit? For me, every day of the first 5 months felt like a FULL DAY. I felt every minute of each day — just white knuckling through waves of self loathing, embarrassment, and shame. I worried if my friends would like me anymore, how to tell people, what my new life would look like, how I was going to avoid happy hour at work, how I was going to tell my family — on and on, it was endless. You don’t need to add moving boxes or resumes into the mix here. Keep it as simple as possible until you get your head above water.

8. Little treats and milestones are important, that’s why they give you a 24 hour chip in AA! I have a bracelet that I added a charm to each month during my first year. I wear it everyday and I’m not kidding, when something or someone feels like too much to handle, I touch the charms and remind myself that I can do anything. Literally anything. Combine that with my strawberry necklace and I am fully un-fuck-withable. Like oh, you’re going to be mean to me? I’ve survived sobriety, grief, loneliness, and wearing an adult diaper in public. Get out of my face.

   

   My bracelet with my sobriety date, the charm I got for my 12th month! Find a treat you like.

9. My thing was drinking, someone you know’s thing could be weed or shopping or sex — anything that they use as an unhealthy way to cope with life’s stresses and their own mind. A lot of times it may not be obvious to you until you go to their garage and see all the Amazon boxes, or catch them without their weed pen. Addiction and coping is all around you, it’s just hard to see sometimes.

10. I like talking about my sobriety now — it’s exciting when someone’s eyes light up because they’re also in recovery, or they know someone who is, and that they haven’t talked about it because it’s something they should be ashamed of. And I mean listen, I for sure was the whole first year. Like I really believed something was wrong with me where I couldn’t engage in the same activity that everyone else could — but the sooner you view your sobriety as a superpower, the better. Rip tells me pretty much every day that I do something that most people could never do because it’s too scary and too hard and too inconvenient. Hearing that hundreds of times helped me to believe it. If you don’t have a Rip, be your own Rip in the mirror. I’m serious! Words matter, no matter who says them to you.

    

    Me sober in my second favorite place, palm beach - yes, you will go on vacation again. It will be weird the first time so bring good company, good dresses, and too much fake tan.

11. Find other sober people! I was too freaked out by the whole in-person AA thing, so I joined an online group called “The Luckiest Club” and went to zoom meetings. They have them multiple times a day and they’re full of very normal, very nice people who are having the same thoughts as you. I went a lot during the first year, and I still go every now and then when I feel lonely or just want to be with people who get it.

12. Books, podcasts, and interviews are your friend. Like with the groups above, you need to hear about how other normal, nice people stopped doing something that everyone else is doing. Not so you can copy their movements, but so that you can see it done over and over again. My Goodreads shelf specifically for this is here, and these are the books I always recommend:

    1. Push off from here: Nine essential truths to get you through sobriety - My favorite sobriety book, the author started The Luckiest Club

    2. Sober on a drunk planet - Good for convincing you to get sober, more serious and analytical tone

    3. Quit like a woman - I found this a little too “I hate men, everyone is out to get women,” but could be powerful for someone feeling that way — I read most of it during jury duty lol

    4. The sober diaries: How one woman stopped drinking and started living. - Loved this one, it’s about British mom who stopped, she's funny which helps and she doesn't beat you over the head with things

    5. Drinking Games - Great for women in their 20s and 30s, the first sobriety book I read and helped me feel much less alone

13. It’s fun to have fun drinks in the fridge — you get really used to the habit of drinking, so having something fun instead of just plain water is huge. I am a fan Poppi and am not a fan of 0-proof beer because it tastes so similar that my brain starts screaming at me that I’m relapsing. Then I do Shirley Temples and Diet Cokes and cappuccinos at restaurants. But that’s just me.

14. You are not alone. Ask people you love and trust for what you need — if that’s a morning text or a coffee walk or just to listen, ask for it. People want to help! Don’t be like me and be pissed at everyone around you for months because they didn’t read your mind. Ask for what you need.

15. Know that you will wake up one morning in the not too distant future, go through your whole day, and then get back in bed that night not having thought about alcohol once. You showed up as who you are. You did hard things and you did them sober. That, my friend, is freedom.

You will go to a wedding sober, and you will have fun!!

Love you, talk soon.

Sarah